End Note – Let’s Get This Conversation Started!

One last thing before you get to work on the worksheets. Now that you have read the book and have seen the value in pre-planning for your death, you might want to give the book to others or at least encourage them to start planning. Some folks might just be getting older, some might be facing a terminal illness, and some might just need a gentle nudge. Often parents don’t want to upset their adult children by talking about death and their adult children don’t want the parents to think they want them to die. Superstition enters into it with some folks thinking that if you talk about death, it will hasten the event.

But if there is one thing I have found over the years of presenting seminars and conducting workshops, people say they don’t want to talk about planning for death but when I bring it up, I can’t get them to stop!

Prepare for the conversation

• Decide if this will be one-on-one or should you include other family members, friends, even doctors or clergy if dealing with a terminal diagnosis.
• Find a time to talk. Sometimes the holidays or birthdays/anniversaries offer a time to reflect and remember which is a natural lead-in to the conversation 
• Find a place to talk. You want the person to be comfortable with the surroundings and not feel like they are on a date.  Perhaps in the kitchen over coffee or outside while taking a walk. The right setting will help loved ones open up   
• Decide beforehand what you want to say, how you are going to approach the topic  
• Practice the conversation in your head or with another friend 
• Remember to let the conversation flow in a natural manner. Some issues will need time to be reapproached at a later date

Slip in these reasons to start planning

• They will gain peace of mind knowing their wishes will be carried out 
• They will save money for heirs 
• They will ease the burden from loved ones, giving those left behind time to grieve instead of rushing around making plans  
• They get to have the last say and gain some control

During the conversation 

• Remember there are no right or wrong answers
• Look for body language to see if your friend is relaxed or tense
• Keep your own posture relaxed and open
• Maintain eye contact
• Keep in mind that this is only the first conversation – there will be many more
• Know that anything said is not carved in stone and is subject to change

How to begin the conversation with those who should begin planning but are avoiding it

• Refer to a recent death in the news or death that has touched you both. Then slide into the “preplanning equals saving money” approach. For instance, discuss how much the obituary must have cost  
• Ask them to give their children or those left behind the gift of pre-planning  “Doris, I think it would be great for Emily to be able to celebrate your life when you pass instead of running around fighting with the family. Can you …” 
• You might ask “I’m trying to figure out how to tell the kids I want to be cremated but you know they are going to fight it”  Ask for their help and it will lead to a discussion

How to begin the conversation with someone with a terminal illness 

• Ask about plans for pets, house.  Can open with “I’m worried about Fido…”  
• Discuss a special event for children left behind.  Ex: “What do you think about getting Jenny a journal to help her write about her feelings?” 
• Mention plans others have made. “Audrey’s daughter was telling me about the basket they gave to the food bank at Christmas in her mother’s name.”
• Bring up an example of what a blessing preplanning was for someone else “You know Edna made it so easy on her children when she had everything planned – they just couldn’t stop talking about it.” 

On the Web

• The Conversation Project – free guide from the Institute for Healthcare Improvement – theconversationproject.org  
• Go Wish card game gives an easy, entertaining way to talk about what is most important to you –  https://codaalliance.org/go-wish/

Books

• Let’s Talk About It. Now!: The Guided Conversation for End-of-Life Care by 
  Maggie Wannemacher, (Indy Pub, September 25, 2020)

• Talking About Death Won’t Kill You: The Essential Guide to End-of-Life Conversations by Dr. Kathy Kortes-Miller, (ECW Press; 1st edition, March 6, 2018)

• Because I Said So!: The 5 Steps to Longevity Planning. When parents resist having “the conversation” by Astere A Yemmer, (Independently published, June 14, 2020)

• Before Forever After: When Conversations About Living Meet Questions About Dying by Helena Dolny, (Staging Post, June 14, 2017)